Life Fright

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Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to a specific type? And going one step further, have you ever wondered why relationships with this type never work out and you always feel like you are on a roller coaster of emotions while you are with this person?

They and also you may have an insecure attachment type. There are 3 attachments types: secure, avoidant, and anxious. Avoidant and anxious attachment types are insecure while secure types are of course secure. Anxious attachment types tend to become clingier over the course of the relationship seeking assurance and closeness from their partner particularly when their partner does not provide the reassurance they desire. Those who are avoidant seem OK in the beginning of the relationship, but once the relationship starts veering into something more they start pulling away.

Anxious and avoidant attachment types tend to attract. This is in part due to the limited number of people with the secure attachment type in the dating pool and also due to childhood upbringing. Yes, you read that right! These attachment types are also present and commonly cited to describe a child’s relationship to their parents. The reactions and behaviors present in childhood can continue to bleed through and emerge in a person’s future relationships with others.

Certain behaviors from a new significant other can activate a person’s insecure attachment style to the point that they become an entirely different person than they once were in the eyes of close friends and family. The good news is that those of us who have insecure attachment types can transform to develop a secure attachment type. The bad news is of course this will require inner work and time to take effect.

I have read Attached, Codependent No More, Anxiously Attached, and Raising Securely Attached Kids all in close succession which I recommend since overlapping themes become more cemented and each book contains valuable nuggets of information and facts that will serve you in the process of transforming yourself if that is what you’re after or simply educating yourself in the complicated matter of dealing with people.

The most important takeaway I got from these books is that finding someone with a secure attachment type is the best since they are secure in their expectations to know that they deserve to love and be loved by another. Not receiving love or responsiveness from their partner all the time and in every way that matters does not make them insecure about the relationship. In order to become secure, parenting your inner child and dealing with past trauma and the lingering remnants of hurt are the keys to regulating your emotions to have a balanced, healthy relationship if you so choose.